Twenty Winters in my life.

That was one freezing day in a girls' dormitary; after having been staying in a small room for 3 seasons, I realised that it was winter again, and I sighed," Why I feel so tired although I am only 17?"  I read the prayer on the wall hoping to get some energy, and I was looking forward to some day when I can get out of this tiring world with a smile.

I was born in China and also raised in China. Although it seems so far away from me now, I can still remember it was a small city in Southeast China near Yangzi River. I went to a professional elementary school for shogi one year earlier than normal school age. I started to learn go there. Unlike other children, I had almost no childhood. I used to sit at a table for 3 hours just for one single go game. Except this, I also went to classes for sketching, calligraphy and violin.  I had no spare time to play with my friends. While other children were playing on the huge playground, luckily I had a bit achievement in playing go and also in calligraphy. I won the first prize in the girls' team of the whole province, which pleased my family a lot. I won a national prize for calligraphy as well; and my family said they are proud of me. I smiled, but I was thinking," Am I really happy?"

When I was in junior high school, I focused on schoolwork, and I went to cram school after school, and did homework for most of my free time. Luckily again, I got the highest score for high school entrance exams in my school and I managed to enter the best one in my province, which is in another city far from my home city.
I can still remember how somesick I was at that time. That was 3 hours by train from my home city. A few days after my 15 year-old birthday, I was so upset on the way to the boarding school; I realised that I have to be independent from then on. At that school, I did nothing but study hard every day...

In the second term of the year, I was selected by the school to go to study in a Japanese high school. I was  15, and I started a long journey. I said goodbye to my country, and was put in a Christian high school. There, we had rules for everything; for example, we used to go to a roll-call every morning at 6:10; we had to make our bed extremely neatly before we go to school every day; boys and girls shouldn't talk too much or even walk too closely; no TV or laptop, no DVD player or even no magazine were allowed in the dorms; and we could only use cell phones for 2hours one day. Besides, we could only get outside of school once every 2 weeks, and just for convenience store which is 4kilos away from school. If we made any mistakes or broke the rules, we would be ordered to stay in for weeks as punishment. As a result, I lost all the passion a teenager should have. As there was nothing for entertainment, I used to practise talking with my Japanese friends in Japanese there, and I was "abandoned" by my only 4 Chinese friends(we were from the same Chinese school), ironically.  They ignored me and said that I talked with Japanese friends too much. But why it was bad? At that time, we needed to get used to Japanese culture, I think. I felt so lonely. I thought that if I could do everything perfectly, then I could be accepted by others. I started to pay too much attention on every word I said to others and what others said, because I didn't want to lose friends any more.
I started to think every thing I had done to exame whether there was anything against the school rules, because I didn't want to be punished or dimissed from school. I found that I couldn't focus on my study any more. With great pressure, I was gradually destroyed.

But I managed to talk freely in Japanese within only 1 year. I realised that I got some psychological problems then. I rested in China for 9 months; nothing changed but went worse.

I went back to Japan again because of the expiration of the visa. If I didn't go back to Japan at that time, I could have never returned to finish my high school study and entered Japanese university there. I held my breath till I finished high school; Life then was like in a hell, and it almost killed me.

Fortunately, I managed to get in a university in Japan. I wished everything could get better in a university because there were not many school rules any more. I thought spring finally would come. Although I got some scholorship in high school, my family couldn't surport me like before any more. For 2 years, I didn't even have a good sleep. I did two part time jobs at one time as well as school work in the daytime and homework at midnight. I lived alone in a one-room apartment, and also cooked every night. As I knew if I got straight As for 2 years, then I could apply for getting scholorship for studying in an English-speaking country for a year, I studied really hard and didn't even skip a single class. I was so lucky to be chosed to come here, Canada.

Now I am no longer a teenager, I remember as I was told that everything would get better again when I grew up. It seems that I got everything that I wanted, however, I lost the most important energy for me to live on. "No pain, no gain?" I sometimes just think like this when life is too difficult. But if I could choose, I wish I could still choose this "endless" journey with no regret. Everything I thought I had achieved seems so pathetic and it's been fading away gradually if I don't hurry to get some back when I still have time. Sometimes, I just need to think that spring also comes while suffering from a freezingly cold winter--try to think positively; My desire to enjoy the world is like asparagus after a storm. Even if it may be destroyed, I would like to go on my way.