Weekend Blog Post (July 23th) ----Meditation :)

The morning sun slanted through the blinds, and woke me up from a very relaxing sleep. I opened my eyes, and stared out the lone window; morning had come, which meant I had to get ready for any chances of unpleasant moments. “Will I get to be okay again just like what I was a few years ago—a happy and very optimistic girl? Or is this going to hang over me for the rest of my life?” I liked the scent of the soft pillow, and I was afraid of anything that might break the pleasant time.

However, I feel grateful that I am in Canada now, and have time to record my feelings like this. I enjoy writing what I am really feeling to record my life. I have very few albums to remind me of the old days as I don’t like the fact that people always have to smile when facing a camera, and that’s not real. I wanted to write anything that I am truly feeling without hiding anything for fear that it might disappoint others.

I think I had been too impassive since last year; I didn’t want anyone to talk to me, and I envied others’ smiles even. Water must freeze the moment it touched me. I didn’t seem to have any emotions for the whole year. Although I wished I could have family with me, I didn’t even go home for that whole summer. I spent most of the time working part time at a cash register, looking at the clock, and hoping time could pass more quickly. Finally, God awarded me by letting my little wish come true. I feel relieved that I am now in another country. I have more chances to learn to accept or even love the world.

I am making great progress. When I am walking in the green grass, I would like to sit down for a short meditation and I like the green color—looks energetic and full of hope. The sun shines through the thick light green leaves, and casts different shapes of light on the top of dark green grass as if there are a lot of candles making light of my discomfort. When I am walking on the roads paved with concrete, I can feel the heat under my feet; I appreciate that I have the ability to walk. When I am in the gardens, enjoying the peaceful water and listening to birds singing, I feel like smiling and I am grateful that I feel alive, and happy; I know life is not all about ordeals, and sometimes there are still some pleasant times.

There used to be totally no way I could possibly think that there was any meaning in life for me to live on, but now I am getting much stronger than before, and I have the courage to walk down a long distance as there are always green trees to bring me hope.