After some hard time, I thought it could be a good day today. I never crave happy times like others do. For me, it’s easy to be happy, yet extremely difficult. This morning, after I got up, I felt that I’d rested quite well, and I thought today I could write some positive things on the blog again; I was happy at that time.
However, I know I don’t deserve any happiness or even just a peaceful moment; I thought it ironic though because I know I’ve already been doing my best. I can write some details here in order to let my readers know why I am feeling this way. It is all about brain chemistry; I don’t care if people like to call it “mental disorder”.
Unlike other young people, I don’t like to celebrate birthdays. As I was told before, a long time ago, “everything will get better naturally when you grow up”, and I believed that at that time when I was 16. Very soon my 21-year-old birthday will come, and I feel disappointed. I remember in the past few years, I used to make a wish on every New Year’s Day and birthday as well. I clearly remember that on New Year’s Day this year I did my part time job as usual, and I paid a visit to a shrine that night as a traditional Japanese custom. When everyone else was cheering for the coming year, tears started to sting the backs of my eyes. Although I knew crying might have seemed childish, but that didn’t stop tears from getting out. I always feel that no one in this world can truly understand me even if they are kind enough to get to know me.
Until June 2008, I used to think that even if I feel pain now, I can still think of the happy times I had when I was younger, and live on with the memories. However, a certain therapy made my precious, beautiful memories so dim, and so far away.
I am getting 21 years old, and it seems that there are only a few years that I can clearly remember and these are all the times which I have been suffering. Recently, I felt that I had more happy times than before, and I was feeling hopeful even. Sometimes, it didn’t seem like anything was overly important, or frightening when I was feeling happy with the green trees and colourful flowers in the gardens; however, it made me hate myself more than before. I don't seem to get any better although I sometimes do think I am much better only when I am feeling Okay.
Every time when I am suffering from the brain chemistry, I feel like the whole world is like a big balloon that is losing air in an extremely high speed. But I promised that I won’t die that easily although it needs a lot of courage to live on.
I need to take a deep breath, and then exhale slowly. I remember someone said that people don’t get to choose what life gives to them; they do get to choose how they respond.
Xiaoyue, thank you for writing this post! I think it's wonderful that you had the confidence to communicate here to the others what is bothering you at these times. "Mental illness" has for too long had a stigma attached to it because the voices of the people themselves were not heard. Meanwhile, I read a recent statistic that said that 45% of Canadians have suffered at some point from a form of mental illness (this includes depression). In other words, you're in good company!
ReplyDeleteNowadays, there is much more of an emphasis on mental wellness than there used to be. Mental wellness starts with honesty on the part of the sufferer, and understanding and compassion on the part of others. *Good* therapies, like cognitive-behavioral therapies, are used very successfully, sometimes in combination with medication prescribed by a doctor, sometimes not. Exercise, meditation, breathing exercises, and other techniques are all used to help achieve a sense of balance and well-being. Meanwhile, today's media is thankfully very sensitive to issues like these, and one can read stories like yours and different from yours in thoughtful columns written by intelligent people who are either affected by these issues or know someone who is.
Very well done--and always remember that you have my utmost confidence!
Thank you very much for the comment.
ReplyDeleteIt needs a lot of courage and time as well.
I am going to try my best:)
I'm worrying about your condition. Are you getting better? I know how important studying is for you, but you're health is much more important. Without healthy body and brain, we can't do anything well.
ReplyDeleteXiaoyue, I hope you're going better, good luck, I can say that if you need to talk, don't hesitate, because it's never pleasant to be alone in such situation.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Chieu.
ReplyDeleteI am ok, I think.
I know it's important, but I have to study here otherwise I might get worse.
Anyway, thank you very much for your concern:)
and also thank you for explaining the things about the insurance to me!
Thank you TP too!!! You are all very nice:)
ReplyDeleteI hope you will be better..
ReplyDeleteEat a lot of meat! I liked your story about the blood even though I don't want to listen to that again!!! hahaha :D
This class has some of the sweetest students in ELI, I think! ;-)
ReplyDelete